Panicking

My cousin just called. She's willing to give up tons of frequent flier miles to fly Mother from Birmingham to Tulsa for the visit that will help me determine where she can live.

But now that I've thought about it, I think the real deal is just...to find a place that's nice that she can afford to die in. Is this an unnecessary expense and effort? But I promised Mother she could come. But I've focused more on getting my family back in order than on finding another nursing home here. So I don't know what the hell to do. If she comes here, does that mean I have to drive her back? With the baby? May as well, I guess? What.the.hell.am.i.doing???!!!

More importantly, they'll leave Birmingham at 7:45 a.m. Through Love Field. Tulsa at 1:15. Then Julia, our cousin, will get back on the 2:10 to Birmingham. Mother - with her one-way ticket - will be in Tulsa. Indefinitely. What's my game plan? What's the purpose? What's my goal?

I can't handle this. I'm scared shitless.

There's no where for her to go but back to Birmingham, at this point. I guess she needs to see what I'm dealing with here. For at least another year, maybe longer, she'll be aware of what she's doing and where she is. I want it to be a nice year for her. I want the facility to be nice and have good programs.

oh, fuck it. just got off a very annoying phone call. no one wants to hear what i have to say right now!!!